Evidence of Eden

Before I ever finished Snake Eyes Lie, I wore many hats in my life. The most recent was that of a video game designer. Now that is a whole other story unto itself, but I'll try to just clip out the relevant pieces here.

In general, I handled the writing, design and graphic design for our games. However, I did dabble a bit in programming. This little venture actually led to some grand realizations; parallels between programming and real life.

The most significant of these came while exploring the vast world of artificial intelligence. While working to be more efficient and effective, I had an epiphany; evidence that humans were meant for a perfect world. I won't bog this down with the details, but at its core, behavioral programming goes something like this: If this happens, then do this, and if this happens, then do this, ad infinitum.

However, end-users are crazy, wild animals, and you can never predict all of the nutty things they'll do with your little video game. So! In defense of this, to prevent an unexpected action from locking up your code with a digital shrug of the shoulders, you end with a default behavior. So it's something like, "If ANYTHING ELSE happens, then fall back and do this."

So how does this lead to evidence of a mythical utopia? I'm glad you asked.

You may not realize it, but you too have a default behavior, and it's hidden away inside your emotions.

If something is kinda scary, your pulse may increase. If it's scarier than that, your senses may heighten. Adrenaline may be released into your system. Etc. etc. etc. If something exceeds your capacity for fear, you will cry.

If something is kinda happy, you'll smile. If it's happier than that, you may laugh aloud and be flooded with various chemicals. If something is so joyous that it exceeds your capacity for happiness (birth of a child, weddings, etc.), you will cry.

If you get upset, you may become quiet and reserved. If you get more upset, you may get angry. Your hands will shake and your muscles will tense. If your anger exceeds your tolerance, you will cry.

Seeing a pattern here? Whenever an emotion rises beyond normal levels, our body's reaction is to weep. That is your default behavior. It's basically saying "if something happens that has not been anticipated, or goes beyond the expected levels, cry".

So why is it that it takes such a minimal amount of unhappiness, pain or heartbreak to trigger this response? I would suggest that it's because suffering, pain, and misery were never intended for us. We were meant for happiness, and anything that pulls us from that paradise was not anticipated, so we revert back to our default reaction.

Let me wrap this up by saying that, no, I am not religious. I do, however, believe that life is forged with purpose and expectation.

You were never meant to be hurt. That is not the life you were born for. You are so boldly meant for happiness, in fact, that the divinity of the universe itself becomes confused when you cry.

The universe is perfect; it couldn't exist if it were anything less. So whatever it is that you believe in, when the manifestation of perfection wants you to be happy, I don't know how you could be anything else.

In the Spotlight

I had originally began this post by writing a short story. It was a trial at writing a noir style, as well as an exercise in character development. It even had a little pearl of wisdom tucked inside. However, with everything that's currently going on in my life, I think I had bit off more than I could chew for a blog post.

Instead, I'm going to talk a bit about the state of things in my life. It began with this question: "How does it feel to be famous?"

First, no. Of course I'm not famous. Not even a micro-celebrity. Not even a local celebrity. This remark was made in jest because my Facebook wall has been trampled by requests for my book (which is awesome).

As to the surge in popularity, I'm on the fence. I'm an introvert by nature, and I have paralyzing stage fright, so all of the people asking me to sign their copy of the book is a bit unsettling. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to do it, but even when it's a close friend, I feel like I'm being put on the spot and judged.

On the other hand, of course it's great. Obviously I hope to make money with my writing. I have my grand dreams of being an author full time, and never having to punch another clock. But it's more than that. I wouldn't say I'm writing for the popularity, so much as I'm writing for the recognition.

No, my life was not plagued by people telling me that I'd never amount to much. Quite the contrary actually. But also understand that, before this, the only thing I've ever seen through to completion was high school. Everything else in my life, I've typically given up on or lost interest in. So while my recognition isn't in the tone of "I'll show them", it does resonate with "I'll show me".

I think that's more important than people realize. Actually, I think that's the primary difference between successful people and the no-name folks who trickle by unnoticed. They finish things. That's it.

The fact that I'm writing this on a Tuesday rather than a Monday, as I was supposed to, speaks volumes to my attention span. Schedules and expectations have always been weird and uncomfortable for me, and since the release of Snake Eyes Lie, I've been trying to break that taboo.

That's why I have a progress bar on my website. I want people to see how I'm doing with Book Two, and I want to know that people can see how I'm doing. My hope is that it will make just uncomfortable enough to stay on task.

I know that other authors are typically frustrated and annoyed by people constantly pestering them about finishing their "next book", and I probably will too. However, that's why I do it. I love that people are already asking me about when Book Two will come out. I also probably need that pestering (but just a little).

The few people who have actually finished my book so far have loved it, and that is the best feeling in the world. I am absolutely humbled and honored by their anxiousness for the second in the series.

ALSO! As a closing note here: I will be at EgoCon this weekend. It's a small-time, local sci-fi & fantasy convention. I'll have a table set up, and I'll be signing books (as well as writing Book Two). It sounds absolutely terrifying to me, so feel free to show up and keep me distracted.

Fire in the Rain

It's raining... Alright, it's not actually raining. The weather outside is still the same ice-slicked, white tundra of Wisconsin, but for the purpose of this metaphor... it's raining. I believe that it should be the goal of every single person to set their life on fire until the radiant light of earth is the envy of the night sky.

But it's raining. It's always been raining, and it's a storm that will never end. While lighting a fire in the rain isn't impossible, for many, it may as well be. It's a shower of doubt, criticism, damp self-loathing.

Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you to cast away your fears. I won't convince you that your uncertainty is an unjustified specter in your head. Heck, for all I know, it may be perfectly justified. Either way, me plucking away and waxing poetic won't change your mind. I can't cure you of your skepticism, so I'm not going to try.

Here's my quandary for the day. Why do people seek the inspiration of motivational quotes from famously successful people. Call me a cynic, but when I hear that Stephen King said "you can, you should, and if you're brave enough to start, you will," all I think is, "Yeah, if you're Stephen Freakin King!"

These people are so hopeful and so convinced that they've gained their success because of this mindset. It might be true, but I doubt it was true for the homeless man who froze to death while maintaining his positive, never-give-up attitude.

The point, of course, is that divine words from these rare diamonds of the world really mean nothing to me. I've worked hard, and even in the most bleak of circumstances, I've never given up. So what happens if I'm hit by a bus tomorrow, having never tasted this success that they promised?

Okay, so now this all seems very dismal and foreboding. I assure you, it's not.

It's raining. Let it rain. Doubt and confusion is natural. If you listen to these people telling you that you need to cast it aside or overcome it, all you'll accomplish is to make yourself feel weak because, despite your efforts, it's always there. Don't. All you need to do is march forward in spite of it.

Bear in mind that this is coming, not from someone who has been blessed by good fortune or a brilliant stroke of luck, but from a guy still in those trenches. I'm still broke. My tiny apartment is still a mess, and with every step forward, I am terrified that it will all have been for nothing. But I march on.

This is a dark and unrelenting storm, and we have all been born to it. Accept it. Pay no attention to those people who over-simplify things and tell you that "with the right attitude, the world is your oyster". Just keep moving. Put one foot forward, and then another. I won't promise you that it will pass, because I don't know. What I will promise, is that we will never stop. Our hands will shake, our feet will bleed, our hearts will break, and we will never stop.

Life is a beautiful swarm of chaos, and we are the titans that tread it. Will we set fire to our lives? I don't know, but I hope so. What I do know, is that you won't do it sitting where you are.

Purpose

I read once that, when writing a blog, you need to know exactly what it's going to be about. Too many people use them as public diaries, and people generally don't want to subscribe to your random thoughts.

I've been thinking about that, and the obvious choice is for me to write about writing and self-publishing. Sure, I can do that. I enjoy the process of writing and storytelling. I enjoy how events and characters click together in an unfolding tale. I like to think I have a knack for the various brushstrokes required to keep detail and pacing.

However, in the end, I have no idea how to be a writer. You write, I suppose, but beyond that I'm no more equipped to tell you than any highschool teacher would be.

So what I've decided on to be the central theme of this blog instead, is essentially an extension of what my books do. I may still offer the occasional post on crafting a scene, but my focus here will be on reaching out to people and hopefully helping them; offering a bit of insight into themselves.

More than I've been a writer, I've been a survivor. I've been a human being in some of the darkest places of the imagination. It is there, in those shadowy bits of your mind, that I feel I have the experience to offer advice.

Of course my books are meant to entertain. I hope that's their primary role, and I hope they fulfill it. However, no good story is merely for entertainment alone. They are meant to teach us, to guide us, and to help us uncover the best pieces of ourselves that may have otherwise been left buried.

Is that writing advice? ...maybe. The point being, that I hope to use this blog as an experiential extension of my stories. I hope that every soul, trapped in the dismal corners of their own hearts; those places you're not even allowed to talk about, have a chance to come here. I hope they read The Mallis Tragedy, and I hope they subscribe to this blog.

Genius and creativity, too often, fall prey to depression and hopelessness. We are losing far too many brilliant lights and radiant souls to despair. It is my hope that these words become a beacon for at least one of those people. I wish to be an unexpected lighthouse that proves there is a shore.